Possibilities

“When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep… and dreamed of Paradise.” –Coldplay

 Written by Kaitlin Gray

                Sometimes it led me to wonder. Why things weren’t different, why the world was in chaos, why nobody did anything about it.

                In those days, I was always sad. Too busy being sorry for myself to realize anything outside of my own pity party. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be used, and people to be loved… not vice-versa. I wanted my parents to live happily ever after, just like they always dreamed they would. I wanted to dream, and I wanted my dreams to come true. But they weren’t.

                I wanted to be a professional soccer player. They were successful, made a lot of money. But I also wanted to be a fashion designer, and that wasn’t going to happen. And they certainly weren’t both going to come true. Nothing seemed hopeful anymore, and I got stuck in that. Trapped in that awful rut of carelessness. I didn’t care; nothing was going my way anyway. What was the point?

                Sometimes, I would take out a sketch pad and pencil and just draw. I drew my very own line of clothes, and to me they were fabulous. I thought I was a genius… But then I cut myself off. “Who am I?” I said. It’s better to just stop dreaming and focus on reality, isn’t it?

                I wanted everything to be picture-perfect. And reality wasn’t faultless.

                In bed, I laid down in ponderous thought. On few occasions I would look out at the stars, and lose myself in wonder. They were so large, so powerful lighting up the night sky. And yet to me, so many lightyears away, they seemed small… one was as unimportant as the other. If one were to disappear tomorrow, I would’ve never known. For, you see, there were trillions more. I felt quite the same.

                My dreams were the only thing in my life I looked forward to. In them I could escape. My mind could travel in ways I never imagined. Once, I even dreamed I could fly… and through my sleep I could feel myself grin silently.

                In dreams, anything is possible. Sometimes I even dared to think that things were in fact perfect. My parents had their fairytale ending, and I had mine. I was double… both a fashionista and a soccer player. I led a double life, and nothing was wrong with that. In truth, everything was fine and dandy.

                What really made an impact, however, was one specific night, when my dreams were all of the above. They gave me a false hope, which I couldn’t easily let go. Things were being used, people loved, and there wasn’t a care in the world. Everything was peaceful, and everything generating bliss. It was the perfect heaven, where my life was suddenly transformed into everything I ever wanted, and more.

                What I woke up to that same morning was, in all truth, reality. The same reality I woke up to every morning, but this time it was different.

                I used to think, “there are so many problems in the world, why doesn’t someone do something about it?”

                And then I realized… I am someone.

                And that changed everything.